im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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