went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
