got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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