I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
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