i just wanna soil my oats bro
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Randomize
