I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
