how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The struggles of a small town man whore
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
