You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He felt like a one man threesome
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
19 Parents Admit the Lies They’ve Told Their Children
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
21 Worst Confessions on a First Date
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...