quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza