NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
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just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
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I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night