Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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