paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
My penis needs a shock collar
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
