remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
