dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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