there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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