Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just pee around me
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
