Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
