new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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