shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
