woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
