Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
