So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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