smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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