I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
