Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
