I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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