you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
