Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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