i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
