I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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