Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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