Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
