i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
