i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
