Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
