New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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