What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
