We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
