if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
