I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
