Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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