Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
