My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
