I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
