Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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