How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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