woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize