Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
