i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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