I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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