hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
