I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
