remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
