listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
smell my finger.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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