Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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