Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Randomize
