I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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