U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
